It’s very rare in the entertainment industry to meet someone with the complete package; vision, creativity, desire, talent and a nice ass. And we mean nice. For over 25 years, he’s been one of the pioneers of the hip hop-heavy metal-mariachi music scene. With his oversized sombrero, sensitive yet piercing vocals and his pet mule, Slappy , Lupe Silva Dinaro aka Ka Bong, has been travelling the world over and over again asking everyone the same question: would you like to touch my ass? Oh yes, we sure would, and that’s why, when the Soy Brothers had the opportunity to corner him for an exclusive one on one interview, we jumped at the chance.

Mike: So KB, tell us about your new album, You Ralphed On My Bed. This one has had the music world in an uproar with its poignant lyrics, crunching guitar riffs and serious social messages.

KB: Yeah, man, I was like really tryin’ to go for some serious stuff. I thought that "Picking Up the Sh-t" was a really strong warning to all those people out there who think that their pets can just poop and piss everywhere without there being consequences. I was also really fond of, "Dude, Where’s My Weed?" I mean, I did experiment in the 60s and 70s with drugs until I realized that munchies can really make your groceries bills go sky high. But the drugs did clear my head and allow me to think at a better level most nights, I stopped doing that stuff at least two months ago. I think. You got any sh-t? You need any sh-t?

Justin: I must admit I was stunned to see you make an appearance on an episode of Friends last week. I know a man of your high standards and morality usually does not bow down to corporations or shameless plugging of your albums. But there you were, riding Slappy down 52^nd St, asking Joey and Ross to touch your ass, with copies of your new album in hand. Care to respond?

KB: Maaaaaan, what in the hell is this, like Inside Edition?? I was just tryin’ to have some fun. I never miss the Must See TV Shows on NBC----every Thursday night----Friends, Will and Grace, Just Shoot Me and ER---only on NBC, starting at 8pm, 7pm central. I do have higher standards than that, I wouldn’t just shamelessly plug something unless I felt compelled to do so by a higher power. Unless it paid well. Besides, I’m an artist and free from the bounds of society.

Justin: Right…..about that. So what do you and Slappy do for fun when you aren’t touring and rocking the world?

KB: Well, Slappy is a sucker for the greyhound races at the track in Reseda where I live for most of the year. We go on long walks on the beach, go to the Tasty Freeze and share a sundae, walk around in the garden naked together. We’re Gold Club Members at Blockbuster Video. Typical stuff that people do.

Justin: Oh of course, I mean I go out walking in my garden with my mule butt naked all the time. We just love to pull weeds and put Miracle Gro on the plants. Give me a break!

Mike: Justin, calm down, man. This is supposed to be fun and informative, not the Spanish Inquisition. I mean, this is the guy who brought us the hits "Buffalo Chips" in the 1960s, "Bad Water Boogie" in the 70s, "Robotic Love Slave From Uranus" in the 1980s and that great alternative classic, "Rib Tips" in the 1990s.What is it that inspires you to write such poetic masterpieces?

KB: Back in the old days, stars like Tiny Tim, Peter Frampton, Wang Chung and myself were getting started, it was tough. We had to really push ourselves to the limit….we worked 4 hour days, spent the rest of the time having sex and spending money we didn’t have. I mean, we started out with just a guitar in hand and our emotions. But then, you start playing every night, you go on the road, you record and then it’s like, girls, money, booze, girls, drugs, sex, booze, more booze and if you aren’t too out of it, you put pen to paper and write. Of course, it was never that way for me. I worked 23 hours, 25 on a good day, had one girlfriend and I always went to sleep by 11:30 pm, midnight tops, after catching a meal at Denny’s.

Justin: Wow, you are just amazing. You not only were honest to one girlfriend all these years, but you also stayed clear of the rock n roll lifestyle. Yet didn’t you just say you got off the drugs a couple months ago? And by the way, don’t you think it’s time to put that damn ass to sleep?? If it’s even the original Slappy---what is he, like, 120 now?? I mean, come on, I don’t really care to see some pudgy dude in sequins and spandex prancing across the stage with a mule asking people to touch him.

Mike: Oh come on, Justin. Grow up. You’re just jealous that this guy has more musical talent in one breath than you ever will in your entire life. Your singing alone makes deaf people plug their ears. I really apologize, KB, for everything this insensitive prick has said about you today. No matter what bug crawled up his ass, no one can take away the magic and memories you’ve given to your legions of fans the world over.

KB: Well, Slappy and I appreciate those kind words, Mike. You truly are a nice guy. Your partner, though, needs to git wit it and either get some pie (and I don’t mean rhubarb) soon or get a personality transplant. He puts the p in prick. Hopefully we can keep touching lives and people can keep touching my ass for many years to come.

Mike: Amen, to that brother.

Justin: What about that little incident at the New Jersey Turnpike, where you rode Slappy through the toll lanes, leaving a trail of sh-t and rankness behind him? You call that nice?

KB: One more word, be-itch and you’re gonna not only touch my ass, but he’s gonna touch you and make you wish you were still in your momma’s belly.

Justin: Oh bring it on, old man. You think I’m afraid of you and your 6 chins? Don’t sing it, bring it!

Mike: Well there goes our chance of getting some publicity. Now the website will be shut down, I’m not gonna graduate from college, hell my car will get repossessed, maybe I might even end up becoming a monk---no not that. Maybe I should call Valleyfair…..

Justin: MIKE HELP ME!!! CAN’T BREATHE-----ASS SMELLS LIKE……..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

KB: You like it that way, Justin? You like that? Oh, I know you do. Come on Slappy, give him the S-Bomb. DO IT NOW!!! I wish I could say you looked like a million bucks right now, kid, but ain’t nobody gonna love you now with a face like that! HA HA HA!

Mike: HA HA HA! You’re evil, Justin. You’re naughty. You need to know your role, shut your mouth, and be more sensitive. Don’t you know that sarcasm and immature humor is wrong? See, I’m a nice guy finishing first…. I’m joining Ka Bong’s band. Yeah, I’m the drummer now. How do you like them apples?? I’ll be making the big bucks, having fun and getting some. Good luck with that rhinoplasty. Or should I say assplasty??

KB: Good one Mike. You know you have a lot of soul in you, my brother. Good Karma, positive energy. You wanna go to Denny’s for breakfast?

Mike: Anything but Perkins will be just fine. This interview is over.